Here he is!

It's 4:30 am and I've been tossing and turning most of the night (and up with Finn twice). My mind is a snarl. I've decided to take a leave from work, and it's an anxiety producing process for me. It's been a rough year, and I've been in coping mode for far too long. Last week I had a wake up call, in the form of a lightning bolt across my chest (actually in the vicinity of my heart). I've been assured that it wasn't an actual heart attack, but I've begun to think of it as an attack of the heart... a notice to me that I am not attending to the heart of my life. Oh, I'm going along alright, being the financial provider for my family, managing schedules, responding to people, going to meetings, soothing feelings, making meals... you know, all that practical stuff we all do as parents, as moms, as spouses. But I have not been attending to the things that are in my heart. That my kids need me. I mean really need me. At home. That I have been the sole emotional support for my husband, who had an emotional breakdown earlier this year and has been struggling to recover. That I haven't done anything that I.. I... enjoy just for me for months. That all my emotional energy is going to just getting through the days and weeks. That I'm not sure I even have an emotional or spiritual self any more, or it's buried so far in there I no longer recognize it.
That I spent all my vacation days looking after husband/kids/home while that emotional breakdown was unfolding and so I'm going to have to work right through to 2013 without any real break has been grinding away at me. I began to feel desperate, then sad. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. I started noticing that I had little energy or attention for anything beyond getting through the basics of every day. That I wasn't productive at work, or even interested in work. That I couldn't remember things, basic things, like words...for things like 'drain plug'. That I wasn't really listening to my kids. That I wasn't sleeping well. I'm achy and I don't have much energy. Then I had that lightening bolt. And I knew, instantly, what I needed to do. I called my doctor.
I've never taken a stress medical leave before. It's hard. It's hard to admit to myself that my ability to cope is buckling. I've always been strong and this doesn't feel strong. But there's a little kernel inside me that insists that this is, actually, the strongest thing I've done. I'm standing up for myself and my family. This is what I, and we, need right now. I don't actually think we'll survive if I don't.