In~tention

My life is complicated. Two kids with disordered attachment that require a lot of time and energy and attention. They were both adopted as infants - don't try to tell me they don't remember (that's a whole other post). One is angry most of the time, and creates constant conflict in our family. The other needs a LOT of my time and affection to feel connected. We are fairly sure he has ADHD, struggles with impulse control, and with soci al skills. This requires constant supervision to keep him safe - both physically and emotionally. My husband has depression and anxiety. It doesn't just 'go away' with medication, and the above issues create triggers every day that make it a challenge for him to function, let alone be cheerful, or supportive, or get the household chores done. He also has since childhood had a serious congenital heart disease that will require a transplant, probably within the next 5 years. He's gained a lot of weight as a result o

It's 4:30 am and I've been tossing and turning most of the night (and up with Finn twice). My mind is a snarl. I've decided to take a leave from work, and it's an anxiety producing process for me. It's been a rough year, and I've been in coping mode for far too long. Last week I had a wake up call, in the form of a lightning bolt across my chest (actually in the vicinity of my heart). I've been assured that it wasn't an actual heart attack, but I've begun to think of it as an attack of the heart... a notice to me that I am not attending to the heart of my life. Oh, I'm going along alright, being the financial provider for my family, managing schedules, responding to people, going to meetings, soothing feelings, making meals... you know, all that practical stuff we all do as parents, as moms, as spouses. But I have not been attending to the things that are in my heart. That my kids need me. I mean really need me. At home. That I have been the sole

I've been in baby neverland for nearly six weeks and have finally begun to come up for air. Part of what's kept me in neverland is a serious lack of sleep and time to focus on anything except keeping life afloat. I'm blessed with two very busy little souls, neither of whom believe sleep is actually important. I happen to disagree, which my daughter understands (she drew a picture of each family member doing their favourite thing, and I was in bed, asleep... ha!) but won't cooperate with. Little Finn I think just doesn't want to miss anything... However... I'm determined to shake off the sandman dust and most mornings I'm way overly optimistic that I'll get more done that I can imagine, including fun stuff for me. Ha again! I did (optimistically) sign up for a photography e-course this summer (check it out here: http://www.persistingstars.com/ ) and am so far 2 weeks behind, but it's pushing me to get my camera out and to take photos of things I woul

We're settling into new routines and getting to know each other. We've been nesting for a week, helping Finn get to know us and his new home. We ventured out for a quick playground visit today, which was fun but also seemed to overwhelm him a bit, though he loved the swing. We'll keep him mostly at home for another few days as he's had so much change in his little life and needs to feels secure and stable. He's settling in pretty well I think. He seems to feel comfortable with us and definitely wants me when he's upset and needs soothing. He's exploring the house more vigorously every day. My dad came by today and installed a gate on our stairs so he doesn't take any tumbles. Finn is a cheerful fellow and loves his sister - pulling hair and squealing. He looks so much like she did as a baby, though his personality is different. He is quite happy playing and exploring on his own, while Amelia really wanted to be with me all the time. He's also not as

Our bags are full to bursting, our kids are worn out, and we're heading home. This has been an amazing trip in so many ways. The Korean people we have met in our travels have been so kind and generous, welcoming us, and have given Amelia a sense of pride in her heritage. There have been many, many gifts, incredible food, and she will come home with so many memories. We spent the day yesterday at the Lotus Lantern festival which was so rich. It is the celebration of the birth of Buddha and Amelia painted and made traditional lantern boxes, saw singing and dancing and traditional costumes. It was wonderful and exhausting and I was overwhelmed by the incredible sense of connection. There are many more stories to tell, but they will have to wait as we fly home in a few hours. When we're home I'll have more time to post photos and stories of the trip. Though I am ready to settle our kids back into a routine, I look so forward to coming back here with them soon to explore this am

Finn is here with us and we are so happy to all be together finally. He had one big cry session when we first came back to the apartment but since then has settled in very well. He loves Amelia and wants to be wherever she is. He seems very content and happy and is very big. Between his belly rolls and his leg rolls you can't find his diaper to undo it if he's sitting. Mama's gonna get a workout! When he's squirmy it's all I can do to hang on to him. Amelia has been great with him and only a little jealous at bedtime. We're all tired but happy. The foster mother gave us all his clothes (which is good 'cause I'm pretty sure most of the ones I brought will be too small) so we're off to buy another suitcase to pack them in tomorrow. We're having a great time here in Seoul - saw the changing of the guard today at a palace (totally by chance) and are hoping to do some sightseeing tomorrow if we can carry Finn that far. We're looking forward to bei